Today (December 4th) would have been my older brother Jay's 44th birthday. He has been gone almost 32 years now. On January 19th, 1975, my mother, in all of her rage and pain and grief, beat him to death. I think the saddest loss for me over the years is that I never really got to know him very well. I spent ten years with him in an environment that had no room or value or time for caring and sharing and knowing and loving. We co-existed, and all of our energy was spent just trying to survive. I survived. He did not. Living with that has not been easy for me.
In many ways, I think he was a far more gentle and caring and loving and generous soul than I, especially back then. He had many friends and people that cared about him. He obviously learned at a very young age how to get what he needed outside the home. In the last year of his life he was class president of his 6th grade class. He made people laugh with his jokes and pranks. He was generous with his time. He was excited about having a girlfriend for the first time. He always stood up for me and tried to protect me when other kids picked on me. He never told on me or intentionally got me in trouble. He was honest, even though it ultimately cost him his life. And amidst all of the chaos and violence, he never succumbed to anger or violence or bitterness.
In many ways, Jay's death afforded myself and my younger brother an opportunity for a different life that I am pretty sure we would not have had otherwise. For that, I am forever grateful. I have often wondered whether that outcome would have been possible without my brother losing his life. Of course we would all like to believe so. But given how entrenched the violence was within my family, I am not sure that anything less would have been enough to shift the imbalance. It was his death that allowed the veil to be lifted from my eyes and heart and spirit. His death completely turned my entire world and every belief that I had about life and love upside-down and inside-out. I have spent the last 32 years unraveling the web of violence that my family was so deeply entrenched in. It has not been easy. But it is my life’s work. For many years I wondered why? Why did I survive and he did not? I spent a lot of time and energy trying to find the meaning in his death. Finally somewhere along the way I realized that meaning must be created, not found. That was another turning point in my journey.
So, after my brother died, the best thing that I could think of to do to honor his life and death, was to try to do everything that I could to mend and heal the violence that ripped our family apart. To try to keep my heart open and learn to love as well as I could. To choose love and joy over violence and pain. That is a journey that I will probably forever be walking. Yes, sometimes I get a bit intense and serious and hyper-vigilant about this process. Yes, sometimes I just need to relax and let go. Yes, sometimes I need to learn to give just a little bit more of myself. Yes, sometimes I need to be a bit more accepting and a bit less critical and judgmental. But there has also been huge progress over these years. And much of that would not have been possible without the love and caring from the people in my life who have stood by me and loved me AND asked for change AND believed that change was possible.
Contrary to the doctrines of today, I don't believe that absolute acceptance of ourselves and others is the key to happiness and peace. I believe acceptance is absolutely a significant piece of the process, but it is too simplistic to assume it is the only piece. It is also a bit too passive for my way of being. I believe more in acceptance with accountability. Accepting and understanding where each of us is right now without judgment AND having the courage to ask for what we need and want AND being willing to find a middle ground when that inevitably doesn't match up with what others need and want. It is this process that I believe builds trust and intimacy and depth in our relationships. When we are willing to influence and be influenced by those around us. When we believe in the power of love and our innate ability to change and grow. Of course, some people, for whatever reasons, simply cannot meet us at this level. Then we have many more choices to make, and many more levels of acceptance and asking to navigate.
To suggest that true enlightenment comes from letting go of expectations and simply accepting others and our world exactly as it is just doesn’t ring true for me. It implies a sense of not needing or wanting anything from others. It implies that all is well and exactly as it should be in the universe. I disagree. I think that in order to co-exist we absolutely need others and need from others. That many things in our world are not at all the way they could be. And that it is each of our responsibility to step up and speak up about the changes that we desire. I think being truly enlightened means being willing to be vulnerable and ask for what we need and want, and then being willing to wade through the plethora of feelings that that process of engaging and negotiating with others brings. It is not a neat and tidy process. It is often not a peaceful process either. It is damn hard work.
I would not be where I am today if others had simply accepted me the way I was. It has taken many years to unravel the layers of violence within myself. And probably many more to follow. I am deeply grateful for the people in my life who were able to understand and accept me where I was AND who had the courage to be vulnerable enough to ask for change from me. Without their honest and direct and caring feedback, I would never have even known that my behaviors were hurtful, let alone how to do things differently. I would have gone down that slippery emotional slope of not being able to separate out the behaviors from who I was. I would have become isolated and alone, and would have come to believe that perhaps I was simply not capable of loving or being loved. I honestly believe that is the exact slope that my mother slid down and could not rise above. I am so very grateful for those who reached down to help me up, and gave me another chance, even at the risk and sometimes expense of their own hearts.
Many people consider it wise to “let go” of the people that are hurtful to them in their lives. That “these people” are not worth the time and energy, and that it is best to put our time and energy into those that “know” and are “aware.” I have sometimes made this choice too. And sometimes, when we have tried as hard as we can to bridge the divide without success, we do need to take a break. But I think before we make this choice, we need to make the time and put the energy into asking for what we need first. We need to give others the opportunity to grow and change. Because from my experience, whenever I make room for this process, I grow and am changed too. And in hindsight I see how some of the problem was mine too. Or that speaking up helped me become stronger, even if the relationship didn’t change.
So, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who are in my life, attempting to love and care about me. I know sometimes - especially for those of you who have been with me the longest and who I trust and count on the most - that is not always easy. I am truly grateful for the opportunities these relationships bring to change and grow and learn to love bette. Roxanne
"One of the greatest human tragedies is that we often don't know what we don't know." - rg